Somewhere back in the early 90's, I was working on a temp assignment, and I pulled out a counter extension to see what the little paper sticking out of it was.  Turns out it was a full sheet of paper with a quote written on it, at that time credited to "Unknown".  At the time I first read that quote, I was a young, single mother having serious financial difficulties, and not sure if I had the right tools to be any form or fashion of even semi-decent parent (My how times have changed.  <<<shrugs>>>).  The words really resonated with me, and I found myself pulling out that counter extension to read the quote multiple times a day for the duration of that particular assignment.  As the assignment came to an end, I wanted to keep the quote with me, so I scribbled it down on a piece of paper, which I promptly lost on the way home.  But the quote was never far from my mind, and as soon as I obtained a PC, internet access and a printer at home (Thank You, Income Tax return!), I looked up the quote, printed it out, and it has remained at the forefront of my thoughts for going on 20 years now, as well as always having a prominent place on whatever desk I currently call home. To this day, I still read this quote multiple times a day, as it reminds me of the way I actually want to live my life.

Here is the quote as I first read it:

Such a small notion, that of what the original author thought comprised a life, lived fully.  What I found, many years later, was that this was part of a much longer document titled the Spiritual Laws and Concepts of Pathwork. A great deal of reading for anyone interested, but what stood out most to me was the overall reach of moving oneself to a solid place internally.  That had been an ongoing struggle for me back then, and is still a large part of my emotional and physical makeup today.  Would I continue to live the limited life of low expectations of a young, single parent with only a high school education in the inner city, or would I try to expand my options, branch out, and stop allowing other's low opinions of me dictate my own expectations for myself?

It took me a long time to completely grasp each of those concepts; putting them into practice was another huge step, but I am still making small progress each day.

It is impossible to live completely without fear, as there will always be some issue, incident or object that triggers the fear response.  Controlling how you respond to those triggers, as well as sorting out what is truly worth fearing is what makes the difference between living your life, and merely surviving. My biggest fears currently are homelessness (having already experienced it once), and the myriad number of things that could happen to my children.  A fear response would have me doing things I probably shouldn't to make sure the first would happen, and becoming overprotective to avoid the second.  Living life without fear, has for me anyway, meant knowing in the back of my mind that homelessness is a real possibility, while continually working to improve my financial situation while not jeopardizing my job or my legal status. It has meant not embracing a fear based parenting model, that allows me to teach my children about the dangers they will face in a way that is closer to "Be aware of what's going on around you", than "Be afraid of everyone that is different from you". Living in control of my fears has led to to take chances in education (multiple tries at finishing a degree), relationships (Yes, I do flirt "out of my league".  Why not? It's fun for me, and an ego boost for them.  No harm, no foul.), and career (moving from Clerical to Technology).  I've had as many successes as I've had had things crash and burn, but even with the failures, I've learned lessons I would not have learned had I not at least tried to make some change in the way I was already living.

Living without self-pity is harder than it sounds, especially if things tend to not go well as a series, rather than one at a time, spread far enough apart where you have the emotional time and energy to deal with each item as it comes up.  In my world, when it rains, it really does tend to pour.  Usually, as soon as I cut one branch off some thorny issue, another entire bush grows in it's place.  That stiff upper lip hurts when you hold it for too long, and the self-pity party group at least puts you in some sort of company, especially when you begin to feel like you are going through a lot of this alone.  A lifetime of dealing with migraines has taught me that while bottling my feelings of sadness, anger and occasional helplessness might look cool on the outside, I was paying a helluva price for it, health-wise, on the inside.  Giving myself permission to feel whatever it was I was feeling, with the caveat that I had to be prepared to put everything in perspective, and sort through what could be done, versus those issues I couldn't do anything about, saved my sanity more often than I care to admit.

I have never met anyone, in my entire life, that was not afraid of being hurt, be it physically, emotionally, spiritually, or in any other way.  I am no exception to this phenomenon of guarding certain parts of myself from those who might see my vulnerabilities as an opportunity to inflict damage for their own amusement, or the entertainment of others.  As someone who strives to live as authentically as possible, I have to live with the knowledge that there are people in this world that are only too happy to abuse anybody they consider fair game, and as such it is best to hone at least a minimal level of discernment.  The enduring lessons of a culture that devalues minority women, especially those with obviously ethnic features, has ensured that there are multiple generations of minority women that treat every interaction in life as a direct threat, viewing all through the lens of their emotional guard, always ready to protect the most delicate parts of themselves. They will survive in this life, most of us will, but if you dig down deep enough, you will realize that most of them never really get a chance to live.

Mostly, I strive to be happy.  To have that sort of internal peace that helps me realize that I've done what I can, weathered whatever storms came up, and am okay with how things are now, even if they are not perfect, or even particularly good.  That is how I define Real Happiness.  I know there are those who would focus on financial freedom as an indicator of happiness, and I don't deny that taking away money worries would free up a great deal of mental and emotional space for spiritual development, but, the steps mentioned here are all free.  Getting one's head right, as it were, can be done no matter what stage of life you're in, your financial status, or your current circumstances.  Well worth doing, I think, no matter who you are.

As I look at the plain white sheet of paper currently hanging over my desk, re-typed in the only version of the quote I could find, I am reminded of my ongoing goal.  Being present.  Living kindly, gently, and well.  And striving for real happiness.

In 9 days, my daughter will have completed her elementary education.  In roughly the same number of days, my son will finally start halting, hesitant steps toward his own future.  It's been a long, strange trip for both of them, especially the last six months.  Sudden moves, peer foolishness and the constant search for a safe space to be themselves in a world that endlessly begs them to conform, have been their unwanted companions on this leg of the journey.



Me, as Mom, has been the steady, if not always most reasonable, presence.  Stress can do that to a person, I suppose.  Always supportive, often honest to the point of unintended hurt, but mostly trying to keep every ball in the air while holding the kids together through their own slogs through this strange concrete wilderness, trying to figure out where they want to go, and how, exactly, do they get there.

For my daughter, elementary school was academically easy, socially the second circle of hell.  When she wasn't racing through her school work, she was trying to figure out the best way to navigate the tenuous social rules that would land her someone to play with at recess.  How do you communicate to a child that even under the age of ten the kids around her are being taught condescension, racism, sexism, and casual cruelty to those showing any kind of fear or weakness by parents who were likely taught the same things so early on in life that they are now ingrained? I wanted, more than anything to help her develop a lifelong love of learning, because in life, you will do a lot of that, un-dulled by the typical urban school experience.  I wish I could say I succeeded.  I will say that she doesn't hate learning, so much as she has developed a distinct distaste for both the institution of school, and the people within it. What I hope for her, as she takes this next step towards her ultimate (for now) goal of becoming an Engineer, is that she will meet new people a little more into academics like herself, and more teachers that spark her interest in different subjects.

My son has had a much more difficult journey.  Starting with the fact that learning difficulties, pride and anger don't exactly mix.  Add crippling low self esteem, a dash of depression, and the societal pressure to hide it all behind a facade of "Everything is fine", and down the rabbit hole you go, wondering if there is in fact a bottom to this, or are you just being led along another endless trail.  Around, and around, and around went my constant discussions with my son regarding what steps he was taking to get on his way to whatever was going to come next in his life, the un-discussed issue being his fear of failing at everything he had ever tried, and his ongoing fear of continuing to fail, no matter how hard he tried.  Now that he has finally realized that not trying is failing by default, my hope for him is that he finds satisfaction in small victories, and finds some level of peace away from the voices that would belittle those small accomplishments.

Like most parents, I wanted to give my children things I thought were missing from my own childhood.  Not material things; a sense of peace, comfort and confidence that I am always there for them, even if I do work full time.  I wanted so much to spare them everything I had gone through in school: all the bullying and exclusion for being "different", the isolation associated with rarely being able to do anything or go anywhere with friends, standing out in all of the wrong ways for never being enough of anything (pretty, talented, intelligent, etc) to get away from the ridicule.  What I have learned is that while I couldn't, and can't, protect them from the ugly, the petty, and the pointlessly mean in the world, and I can, and do, they to prepare them by teaching them to handle life with equal parts resilience (you will likely deal with assholes all your life, so start learning now), and boundaries (no one is obligated to deal with harassment, in any form).  I can help them learn to be comfortable in their own skin, no matter how hard someone calling themselves your "friend" tries to fit you into their narrow mold.  I can help them develop a spiritual foundation so that even in the midst of terrible circumstances, even if all of their best efforts have failed, even if they feel they have done all they could and the world has let them down, they have a space within themselves to find peace, and calm, and hopefully, understanding.

And I can pray that whatever mistakes I made, or will make in the future, they know that my intentions were pure, my heart was always in the right place, and that, eventually, they will find their path, and continue their journey.  And they will always know that I am here for them: to hold their hands, kick their butts, or whatever needs to be done to help them get to their destination.

For both kids, one journey has ended, and another is about to begin.  Here's to having a great trip.