My daughter used to love my days off. 

On every other Friday, she could sleep a little later than her usual 5:30am wake up time, and I would walk her to school.  Those were times when she and I could talk candidly without the input of her older brother.  Since the loss of our car  a little over a week ago,  what was once a bi-weekly ritual is now a daily necessity, as now my daughter and I are back where we were three years ago: walking down the street in the pre-dawn hours in order to get the bus to her daycare so I can go to work.  Now, we also walk to her gymnastics class at a local park.  Yesterday, we walked just under a mile in the waning heat of early fall in the late afternoon in Southern California.  I don't know if she was tired, or if maybe the heat was getting to her, but there was a different feeling I got from her as we made our way quickly over to the park.

Although there are times when she is quite conversational, lately she has been quiet and seems to be more introspective.  Never make the mistake of thinking that kids don't have thoughts that have little to do with what you think they are concerned about.  Especially around this transitional age of 9-12.  Children are far more perceptive and intelligent than adults give them credit for, and I think if given a glimpse inside the mind of my daughter yesterday afternoon, I would have heard something like this:

My name is Ashley, and I'm 9 years old.


I have a lot of Hello Kitty stuff that Mommy and other people get me, and I like to watch Disney Channel and Nickelodeon.

"Are we still going to have a sleepover for my birthday?"

I have a few friends, but I spend a lot of time by myself.  I get upset a lot and scream sometimes, and grownups and kids don't understand it, so I just play by myself, or play with the babies at daycare or watch tv when I'm at home.  And then sometimes I feel like running around for no reason, and I start thinking a lot of stuff at once, and I just start talking all at the same time.  Teachers don't like that.  That's why I put my patch on in the morning.  I calm down, and I don't get in as much trouble.  That's also why Mommy won't let me eat candy a lot.

"Can we get water from AM/PM before we get to the park?  I'm HOT!"

We haven't done this much walking in a long time.  It's cold in the morning, hot in the afternoon and I really miss riding in a car.  My backpack is heavy in the morning, and I see Mommy looking at it, but I told her I don't want a backpack with wheels.  Too big and not cool.  I'm glad we went home first and dropped it off.  She keeps saying that it won't be like this for long, and I keep telling her that it's okay, but I hope we don't have to keep doing this.

"How much you wanna bet he changed the tv already?"

I love my brother but he is kinda annoying.  He got mad because he was watching TV when we got back from school, and Mommy wanted the tv off so I could to do my homework before we left again.  He started saying stuff, and Mommy almost got mad back at him.  She told him to go in his room or do something else.  He got on the computer and started playing music HE liked.   He hogs EVERYTHING, including Mommy's attention.  I wish he would get his act together, whatever that means.  That's what Mommy keeps telling him, and maybe they wouldn't argue so much.  I get tired of getting sent in Mommy's room so they can talk.

"Those people in front of us are walking sloooooowwwww."

Mommy laughed a little when I said that.  YAY!  I like her laugh, even the little ones.  She thinks we don't see her making sad faces and mad faces when she talks about money with Auntie and Nana.  When she goes in her room to talk on the phone, we turn down the TV so we can hear.  We want to know what she's talking about.  Mommy told my aunt that she doesn't like surprises.  We don't either.  I like it when she tells me that something is going to happen, or not gonna happen.  I feel better when I know, and I don't get all upset, and then Mommy doesn't get all upset with me.  That's why I try not to ask her for stuff.  I know we don't have money, she says it all the time, but sometimes I ask for little stuff anyway.  And sometimes I actually get it!

"Can I play around a little bit, or do I have to go straight to class?"

The other class is still there, so me and Mommy are sitting at a table, waiting.  I'm hungry and I don't want to tell her because she told me to eat something before we left home, and I only ate a little bit.  Maybe I can get something on the way home?  I'm feeling a little bouncy, and Mommy is starting to get that worried look she gets when I start feeling bouncy, and now she is looking at the door to the room where I do gymnastics.  Now she is gonna be watching me like that the whole time.  She thinks I play around too much, but teachers have only said that a couple of times.  OK.  The little kids are out.  Time for class.

I did stop and get her a snack on the walk back from the park.  I am not completely oblivious to her needs.  Preoccupied, definitely, but I can catch a hint when I listen hard enough. Today, I did.

So I no longer have a car.

This is not a huge deal, as I have been without a car before.  It makes navigating a city as vast as Los Angeles and it's surrounding suburbs a lot more difficult that it has to be, but in most cases, it is workable.  There are some things, however, that I am not going to be able to do under ANY circumstances.  Like those hikes I planned for my daughter and I.  Most of them were pretty far out of the way for us, and thus completely unreachable without a car, so those are not going to happen until another car is purchased.

What I can do in the meantime is  look for the beauty in the world I can walk around in.  I still like to take walks on my lunch breaks, and with the new green spaces in Downtown Los Angeles, as well as the beautiful public art and architecture, there is always something pretty, or at least interesting, to look at.  The urban landscape isn't all concrete and hard edges of office buildings.  If you know where to look, you can break up your day with the occasional glimpse of the wonders of the natural world, brought to you amid the noise and business of a work environment.

The urban parks and gardens are great places to get outside and think for awhile.  The garden at The Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising is perfectly groomed and offers a look inside the minds of the students that attend there if you hang out on the lawn right around midday.  Pershing Square has a wrap around path for lunchtime walkers, as well as a few pieces of colorful modern sculpture that fit in perfectly with the surrounding mix of older and newly renovated buildings.  The newest addition, Grand Park, sits right in the middle of City and County offices, features an acre of green space, tables, benches and a beautiful fountain, allowing office workers and visitors a relaxing place to get away, if only for an hour.

My favorite walk Downtown is actually to the library.  The fountains leading up to the entrance are three separate art pieces tied together by a single theme.  The gardens to the right of the entrance hold two additional fountains, and a memorial to peace efforts in World War II.  Stepping in to the cool, well lit library, there is a small gallery on the first floor, and The Getty Gallery on the second floor.  But where do I go straight to, whenever I visit the library?  I won't spoil the surprise if you haven't seen it, but the second floor rotunda, between the Children's library and the Getty gallery, have some of the most beautiful depictions of scenes from the history of the City of Los Angeles painted high on the walls and ceilings.  Combined with a light fixture depicting the constellations, this is a camera-ready location if ever there was one.  And if you decide to exit the library form the other side, you are greeted by a grand staircase:

Some days, going back to work is harder than others.  After soaking in the energy and variety of what the outdoors has to offer, even the man made items, returning the beige and gray offices, artificial light and piped in air can feel the tiniest bit claustrophobic.  Even the time spent appreciating the art works in galleries offer a mental respite from the everyday.  I have responsibilities, of course, so back to work I go.  But I can always go out for a walk again tomorrow.  

Today, I seriously needed an escape.

There was a minor car accident, and the consequences and repercussions were serious.  There were many hefty financial decisions to be made.  There were lives to be sorted out, and re-arranged to fit a new reality.  And there is the everyday challenges faced by single parent families.

My normal escape is music.  Music soothes my soul, helps me think and sometimes  puts words to my feelings.  Around the house, I can play music through my computer, or from my choice of satellite stations.  Played loudly enough to hear in another room, but not so loudly that the neighbors would be upset.  I can complete chores, read a book or dance to whatever music comes out of the speakers.

But when I am out walking, or working at my desk, my music needs to be made more personal.  Which is why I invested in a very good headset.  One that completely covers both of my ears, and blocks out all ambient noise.  Perfectly balanced, they allow me to slip into whatever musical mood I am feeling, and just flow with the music.

Local radio legend Jim Ladd used to have a segment on Wednesday nights at midnight called "Headsets".  In it, he would play an hour long set consisting of music, dialogue and ambient sounds all based around a common theme.  He recommended that his listeners listen to this segment through headphones in order to get the "Theater of the Mind" experience he was going for.  The point was to allow the music to surround you, and create images based on the sounds that you heard.

Some music was meant for headsets.  Music that invites you to escape into the mind of the artist, eyes closed, forming your own mental images to complement the words and music coming through the speakers directly into your ears.  No barking dogs, car horns or loud conversations allowed.  Some artists have entire albums meant for private listening pleasure only.  Headsets for your headset.

Dark Side of the Moon is an album meant for a headset.  Dummy, by British band Portishead, is an atmospheric run through alternative jazz, meant to be experienced more than listened to.  When I am feeling particularly low, gospel music sends it's  quiet message to me, arranged in such a way that the words of redemption and blessing are unmistakable.  Although physical escape in not possible, a retreat into the furthest reaches of my mind, lead by words and music meant to take me there, is readily available.

The kids like their headsets, too.  Although The Daughter mostly uses hers to play on the computer.  But by way of YouTube, she is discovering that the best way to listen to some music is personally.  No one there but her and the music and the lyrics.  She is free to form her personal vision of what she thinks the artist meant by a certain word or sound.  At her age, what the singer means, and what she thinks they mean are often hilariously different, but it's a learning experience.

My son has long since discovered a personal love affair with music.  Although his taste in modern hip-hop doesn't work for me, he does enjoy some of the classic rock I introduced him to.  He plugs his headset into his phone, and much like I do, escapes into his own musical world on long walks and bus rides.  Then again, that's the beauty of personal music.  You can put your own playlist together for whatever mood your in, thereby creating your own Headset.  Go ahead.  Plug in.  Listen.  Experience the feeling of flowing into the atmosphere of the musical world in your ear.  But most importantly, the sound and vision in your head.  Your personal Headset.

“The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quite alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature. As longs as this exists, and it certainly always will, I know that then there will always be comfort for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances may be. And I firmly believe that nature brings solace in all troubles.” 
― Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl

I like to walk.

For me, so long as it's not too hot outside, whenever I needed to think, taking a walk was always my favorite option.  Strap on a pair of headphones, add music and go.  Somehow, those long walks, where I escape into my head, if only for a little while, would always soothe whatever doubts, fears or anxieties that were hanging from the day, and leave me prepared to take on whatever came next.  I dare say that these head clearing exercises also inspired a great deal of creativity as well.

The city isn't always the best place to go for a walk, though.  Cars and dogs can get downright territorial depending on where you are trying to walk.  It's difficult to get into your own head space when you are concentrating on avoiding getting hit or bit.  Los Angeles native that I am, especially in the inner city areas where I was raised, I am used to constant concrete, broken up by the occasional tree, or if someone is REALLY good, a nice lawn or garden.  The scenery doesn't change much.  But I still preferred being outside, and if I could catch even a small glimpse of the beauties of nature, it felt like a bonus.

A couple of years ago I became a fan of a show on PBS called Globe Trekker.  I am a perpetually broke single parent, so I have a tendency to travel vicariously through others.  This show is the perfect vehicle for that.  By watching this show (and Rick Steve's Europe), I have been able to view nature in all of it's beauty all over the world.  What really got my attention, especially in the Globe Trekker series, were the hikes.  Long walks through beautiful countryside in every corner of the earth.  Fields, meadows, trees, flowers and not a car or streetlight in sight.  I would look at my daughter laying next to me watching these shows, and we would agree (as she dropped off to sleep) that we needed to see more of these types of things.

I started looking for beginner hikes last year.  Trails I could work with my daughter since we were both new at this, and I am not in the best shape.  I wanted to be out in the open with other hikers (and just walkers), and see nature pretty much untouched except for the natural trail.  I found a simple one not far from our home, a easy walk along the cliffs overlooking Pacific Ocean just south of us.  We started out an a warm, late-spring day, and found a parking spot next to the trail head in just under 15 minutes.  It was pretty easy to work, only 2 miles end to end I think, and we both loved it.  My daughter is also discovering the joys of being outside, enjoying the scenery and just letting your mind wander.

We immediately planned our next hike.  This one was longer, 4 miles in and out, up through Eaton Canyon, and into the Angeles National Forest to a small natural waterfall.  Neither of us had ever seen a waterfall before, and for most of the time on the trail, she ran ahead of my sister and I.  Here is the beauty of taking a child out of the city, and into the natural world.  She was fascinated by everything she saw, because for the most part, she only got to see any of these things on TV.  Her oohs and aahs, and the looks of wonder on her face, will stay with me for a very long time.  She got to forget about daycare and neighbor kids for awhile and just enjoy the wonders and beauty of the Earth.  She was also ready for her first trip to a sleep-away camp, and was completely able to enjoy the experiences of hiking in the woods, and sleeping outside.  My sister and I got a good workout, and got to have a good, unhurried conversation while marveling at the landscape that surrounded us.  And although we started later than I thought we would, therefore it was extremely hot on the hike out, it was still a beautiful trek, although we agreed we would go back when It was cooler.

My first solo hike was to have been this past Friday.  A one mile round trip around a natural garden, up to a man-made lake, then back out again.  The heat got me again, before I got to the lake, but the beauty and solitude of the trails and surrounding gardens will draw me back again when it is cooler.  I also discovered that although solo hikes are nice when you need to clear your head, it's better to go with someone else.  I admit that I am still a city girl, and hearing things rustle in the surrounding brush startled me into a trot on more than one occasion on those isolated trails.  Having someone else there to take it all in with you makes for a great time of discovery with conversation and companionship to boot.  And of course there is space to sit and contemplate.

"I left the woods for as good a reason as I went there. Perhaps it seemed to me that I had several more lives to live, and could not spare any more time for that one. It is remarkable how easily and insensibly we fall into a particular route, and make a beaten track for ourselves. I had not lived there a week before my feet wore a path from my door to the pond-side; and though it is five or six years since I trod it, it is still quite distinct. It is true, I fear, that others may have fallen into it, and so help ed to keep it open. The surface of the earth is soft and impressible by the feet of men; and so with the paths which the mind travels. " - Henry David Thoreau - Walden


I live in the city, and as always I have to go home.  But a love of walks in the woods has been woken in me, and I have a list of hikes I am planning to attempt.  Short and longer, destination hikes, and looping trails, up into the mountains, and along the beaches.  There is great beauty in my own backyard, and I am just getting around to exploring it all.  No need to trek the globe.  Not yet anyway.  But I do hope to meet you on the trail someday.  Just lace up your shoes, grab a friend and take a walk.

I am enjoying the relative quiet of two kids still asleep on a holiday morning.

It is rare, and it will be fleeting.  Soon it will give way to requests for food, attention and money.  There will be chores, weekend homework to complete before tomorrow, hair to be taken down for an appointment on Friday.  Recyclables to be collected, a budget and meals to be planned and three lives coordinated into some semblance of order.

But for now, there is only silence.  Morning television provides soft background noise.  Neighbors take off to their various destinations for the day.  The dog in the front house is barking at passerby.  My house is quiet though.  It's a wonderful thing, this quiet.  I rarely have time to sit or ponder, and I welcome the respite from the constant business of my life.

I'm not used to quiet.  Especially with my kids.  My house generally sounds like there is a five-alarm fire in progress.  My son listens to everything at top volume, and is not amused when I ask him to either turn stuff down or go get fitted for a hearing aid.  My daughter is entering her drama queen years, when all conversations are conducted in high pitch whine.  The kids are incapable of asking me a question when we are in the same room, necessitating answers shouted from the rear of the house.   Coming back into the room to ask what the question was at a reasonable volume triggers instant amnesia.  Ditto the oddball argument that pops up the minute I leave the room.

The arguments are legendary.  If you think a 20 year old and a 9 year old have nothing to argue about, you have no imagination.  We'll start with the classic "you get away with EVERYTHING" argument, and just descend from there.  Sibling arguments are why I think earplugs were invented.  I have had to listen to, and referee, some of the most inane arguments ever to come from two kids.  Why, exactly, do dogs like to poop in our yard.  Can Skittles really fall from the sky.    Whether or not there was supposed to be cinnamon on graham crackers.  And if I have to hear them debate the virtues of various superpowers one more time, I may gag them both.  But it's the territorial squabbles ("Let me have the remote!  Put my phone down!  Don't throw that away!  Get out of my room!") that are conducted at high volume and normally need my immediate intervention. Loudly and generally in the middle of some other activity being conducted in another room.

That's later.  I just heard a door open, and I hear a sleepy voice behind me asking about breakfast.  It'll take her awhile to get up to full speed, and she just plopped herself on the couch with a pillow and a small blanket.  So far she's made no move to turn the TV, and is just laying there with a half grin on her face.  I think she is learning to enjoy the silence, too.