Have you ever heard that if you hear something mentioned more than three times the universe is trying to get your attention?

Let me say first, that I try not to watch a lot of television because I wasted a lot of time on it in the past.  But having said that, I do try to keep up with what's out there, at least a little, so that I can know what people are referring to on social media.  

Among my Black, female friends, two shows seem to be generating the most conversation right now.  Once is the night-time soap Scandal, and the other is cable drama Being Mary Jane.  On one hand, these are shows about powerful, successful women with high profile careers. They are also the characters that the shows are centered on, rather than merely being the friend or the side-kick.  These are the types of characterizations that women, especially women of color, have been clamoring for.   The only down-side?  To paraphrase my friend Cassandra, "Why do they have to  be side pieces?"

Both characters, although savvy professionals, are knowingly involved in relationships with married men.  To Hollywood, that makes for high drama, and wonderful story lines.  To the viewer that realizes that Hollywood still has a long way to go with it's portrayals of women, especially  it's depictions of minority women, it feels like one step forward, two steps back.  Even as we are finally given unqualified leads in television shows, Hollywood still cannot resist the temptation of portraying powerful women, of any race, as incapable of handling a healthy personal relationship.

It is well documented that Hollywood has a problem with women.  It is only remarkable when you see or hear of a woman being promoted, or a woman in a position of power, because it is so exceedingly rare.  Although the box office and ratings successes of women-helmed movies and shows, both in front of and behind the camera, should justify allowing women more autonomy and control over what images of them are portrayed on screen, the more I see and read about, the more it seems like we are running in place.  For every Black Widow, we get two Mikaelas.  For every Mara Brock Akil, there are dozens of young writers and directors whose ideas won't even be read because someone will notice the sex or race of the submitter, and decide right away that the writing is not good enough, and/or there will be no audience for it.

Who, exactly, is this audience?  Certainly not the one's who do not consume the media presented without question or comment; in fact these are the viewers television execs would like to avoid.  We hold them to a higher standard, because we realize that television both defines and reinforces popular images of women and minorities, and for every negative portrayal, or stereotype confirmation, there will be more work on our part to counter it.  Which is why when women, especially minority women, are shown engaging in morally questionable behavior, no matter how together the rest of their lives are shown, that one little tidbit stands out.

Historically, minority women's sexuality has always been thought to be one or the other of extremes: either the sexless, hyper religious Mammy, or the tart tongued, sassy strumpet.  Rarely did a t.v. or movie character defy either of those polar opposites.  Single Black women weren't shown at all, certainly not dating normally, until the show Girlfriends aired.  Mostly, single women were shown as being loose, or easy.  Here we are, decades into the portrayals of Black women on television, and even though we finally won the career battle, and the starring role battle, the character still has to have a faulty moral compass.  You cannot tell me that those in charge could not have come up with a better romantic story line than to have women we are ostensibly supposed to admire involved with married men.  

Therein lies the rub, not just for Black women, although that stick in the eye hurts that much more.  Why can't you have a woman that more or less has it all together be the center of the show? I dare say that these women could have been dating a wide variety of men with other, serious issues, and it would not have harmed the viewership in any way.  I understand that flaws make for better story, but must the flaw go straight to stereotype?  A nervous tic, is a flaw.  Being embarrassed about a poor background is a flaw.  Being condescending to others is a flaw.  And all of these flaws can be had by anyone.  I realize that Hollywood rarely entertains original ideas, nor does it respect the input of women unless said input conforms in some way to the vision they already have of what they feel women's roles should be.  But with the wealth of new ideas, writers, directors, and pure talent out there, if they bothered to look carefully, they wouldn't have to resort to tired stereotypes for conflict.

This being the final week of Black History Month, I couldn't let the entire month go by without a Black History post.

I remember Black History Month growing up in the inner city schools I attended.  While there was a great deal of attention paid to the same three to five figures most influential in Black History (Tubman, Parks, King, et al.), we were also encouraged to look up other African Americans and report on them.  The thinking back then, especially as we entered middle and high school, was that if we could find a role model in the field that we eventually wanted to work in, we might be more encouraged to stick with it.  Then, as now, most of the popular media attention was focused on African Americans in sports and entertainment, but we were told to dig deeper.  We were told to look into Politics, Science, Medicine, Education, Literature, literally almost anything but sports and entertainment.  Self images were being formed, and every adult knew it.  If we were going to pick role models outside of our parents (which happens as we try to build our separate identities), then our parents wanted to make sure that we were focused on the qualities that would eventually shape us into the type of productive, progressive human beings they knew we were capable of being rather than the shallow caricatures the media often portrayed us as.

In 1983, new wave group Oingo Boingo posed the question "Who Do You Want To Be Today?", then proceeded to ask if we wanted to be just like someone on tv.  For African American youth and young adults, this was a loaded question.  If television defined and reinforced our roles, then we were expected to aspire to little more than the thin visions of ourselves that were permitted to be shown in popular media.  Until Bill Cosby brought the vision of a successful, intact, middle class family headed by a physician and an attorney to American prime time in the mid-80's, we were often shown as broken families, loud clowns, or stoic sidekicks, with very few exceptions. This was at the dawn of the music video area, and the beginning of the definition of our lives and roles by the portrayals of Black men and women, and their relationships in these musical shorts.  During this time, we were also introduced to the excesses of the hip-hop genre, and although not all of the artists preached materialism as pseudo religion, those were the artists that came to dominate the airwaves.  We were assailed at all times by the tales of the extraordinary feats, and failures, of superstar athletes.

So who did we want to be?  For 28 days each year we were asked to expand our definitions of who we could be, by turning our focus away from the media driven definition of what success should look like for us, and based on our own research, begin to craft what we wanted our futures to look like.  There were, and there always will be, those who aspire to sports and entertainment.  For quite a few of our young men, and some young women, sports were just the ticket needed to pay for their college educations.  Educations that produced doctors, lawyers, teachers, accountants and entrepreneurs.  Educations that were not wasted, because due to a partnership between home and the classroom, youth were given something to strive towards by first being made to look back.  Somewhere, in our shared history, was someone that we could relate to, whose career, or life, was something we would want to emulate.

For me, Black History Month has always amounted to finding the answers to three questions: Where have we been?  Where are we now?  Where are we want to go?  These questions were the basis of our study of Black History many years ago, and sadly are being overlooked today in our hurry for the next headline, the next hero, and sadly for African Americans, the next heartbreak or humiliation.  But if we continue to tell the old stories to the next generation, not just the safe, familiar narratives, but those diverse voices that tell every side of the African American story, maybe they will get something new out the stories.  We never know who we are inspiring when we inform our youth that there is more to our history than the snippet that is shown to them in the media.  Because if we don't give them the full picture of the possibilities available to them, how are we going to expect them to decide, with any real clarity, who they want to be?

Do you know the difference between nerds, geeks and dorks?  Being a nerd goes beyond simple intelligence; it is the possession of a great fountain of occasionally useless knowledge about a wide range of topics without the filter needed to know exactly when to share what.  Geeks are usually enthused about one or two specific subjects, about which they can talk to you, non-stop, no matter what other topic is being discussed.  Dorks are usually intelligent, but missing certain key elements of information, will argue loudly, and wrongly, for whatever the point is that they are trying to make.   Rolled eyes and requests to "Shut up about it already!" be damned.  The common element that draws them all together is a lack of social skills beyond what is minimally needed to function in society.  The pursuit of information for information's sake is the highest priority; interacting with people is an inconvenience that must be dealt with only when absolutely necessary.  This over abundance of information, the ability to not just apply it correctly (most of the time, anyway) but translate that into phenomenal test scores, often at the expense of developing social intelligence can get people labeled a lot of things.  For the sake of this post, I'll just focus on the name I am most familiar with: the Nerd.

I know of whence I speak.

I am currently on my fourth decade as a nerd, having learned to read at four years old.  I can geek out about certain subjects, as can most nerds, but I don't enjoy debate, and can read at least some social cues, so I narrowly escape the dork.  When I get interested in a subject, any subject, I can be a somewhat obsessive researcher, just so I can feel confident enough to discuss the subject with anybody that asks about the subject once I bring it up.  I have been known to read a book, then if that book references another book or two, I might just read both of those as well.  And I can retain most of what I read.  Of course that means I have been known to accidentally lapse into TMI  (Too Much Information), giving people more information that they asked for or needed.  When I finally started noticing eyes glazing over (or looking around for a way out of the monologue),  the development of a shy smile and a little self deprecating humor to ease the tension from those accidental over share moments helped a great deal.

Social anxiety comes early for the Nerd.  Good grades and high test scores often come at the cost of time spent playing with other kids.  Parents that are not careful to make sure that kids have downtime and outside activities run the risk of building the perfect academic beast that has no one to play with at recess.  Then again, if a kid is both socially awkward and has no hand eye coordination, recess might turn out to be overrated.  I can remember many a day of getting picked last for every recess activity because everybody knew as well as I did that anything involving me and a ball was going to end in complete and utter disaster.  I was always the guaranteed "out" for the other team.  In Jr. High School (middle school, nowadays)  I was the kid that got a C because I at least dressed for PE.  Other than running laps, which I could do without tripping over my own feet, most of the time, any athletic  ability passed me at a clearance of 35,000 feet, which is roughly the altitude of most commercial aircraft, but I digress...

There is no one particular look to the Nerd.  They come in a wide variety of shapes, colors, sizes and hair lengths.  In fact, most clean up real nice when they want to or have to.  Key words: "WANT to or HAVE to".  The vast majority of the time, the Nerd couldn't care less what they look like to you.  They would rather be working on their latest project, testing a new theory or figuring out a tricky line of code.  If they're comfortable, they are generally more productive, and productivity means EVERYTHING to the Nerd.  Being made to look a certain way is a card best played sparingly, and only if absolutely necessary.  Some are actually quite attractive.  If they feel like making the effort.

The Nerd is the original non-conformist.  Conforming to what the cool kids did was always a lost cause, so why continue trying to play the game?  The Nerd was the first person to embrace the mantra Just Be Yourself, because imitating someone else was a fast road to disaster.  Many a Nerd can quote you chapter and verse about how they tried to  fit in at some point in their lives.  This was generally inspired by wanting to hang out with some group (Lest you think otherwise: Yes, Virginia.  There ARE adult cliques!) of people that were thought to be at or near the top of the social strata.  The Nerd would then change anything about themselves that was deemed unacceptable by the group: Hair, clothes, manner of speaking, conversation topics.  Whatever they felt they needed to do.  After a while, one of two things would happen which would prove the old movie cliche to be entirely true:  the group would find some way to push the Nerd out anyway, or the Nerd would figure out that not being genuinely themselves was not worth the hassle of keeping up an appearance acceptable to someone else full time.

Despite all this, the Nerd manages to reproduce.

I myself have given birth to two Nerds.  My son wasn't your regular academic go getter. Far from it.  But he did develop quite an affection for Manga and anime, which he follows on every medium available to him, and can give you more back story on any anime character than you ever asked for.  Although with his naturally argumentative nature, he can occasionally slip into Dork territory, his saving grace is a sense of humor that allows him to escape whatever verbal hole he digs himself into.  He will look into any subject he is actually interested in, enough to give himself some working knowledge of the topic so he can talk about it without sounding stupid.

My daughter came to Nerdom through school, the same way I and most of my fellow Nerds did.  A powerful combination of grades and test scores marked her entrance into the realm of the Nerd, and her recent passing of the Cognitive Abilities Test, or CogAT, which certified her placement into the Gifted and Talented program, solidified her place in the hallowed halls of the Nerdsphere.  I am getting her into the habit of looking up anything she has a question about, and trying to introduce the concept of reading for pleasure.  She loves math, and is almost insanely good at rapidly absorbing Math concepts, something I always had a hard time with.

In this generation, the Common Nerd is clearly evolving.  No longer content to be a shadow on the wall of popular culture unless he or she conforms to it, The Nerd is taking ownership of his or her own particular quirks, and letting the world know that they are in fact, good enough to play on the playground with the cool kids.  As is.  Witness the popularity of TV shows like the Big Bang Theory and game shows like Jeopardy, that not only entertain you, they challenge you to think a little.  The Nerd now exists outside of the classroom and the lab.  There are Nerd athletes, models, actors, artists and any other profession you can name.    My son is both a budding chef and a developing stand-up comic.  My daughter has a talent for dance and an interest in cheerleading.

And both children are conventionally good looking.  If and when they feel like putting in the effort.  Which I don't force them to do, unless there is a valid reason.  I know the rules.

On October 8, 1992, at 8:04am, I gave birth to an 8lb., 4oz. baby boy.  Other than immediately wondering if 8 was going to be your lucky number, I had no thought other than "How on Earth am I supposed to raise this tiny little person into an adult?"  Twenty-one years, and many bumps, bruises and odd side trips later, I think I have finally come up with a hard list of things that I think are important as you move forward into the next part of your life.

1. Keep some form of spiritual grounding in your life.  I started this process by bringing you to church, and whether or not you continue, I hope you remain spiritually centered.  A foundation of faith, not religion, can bring a type of inner peace and strength that nothing can replace. Cultivate this.

2. Education is the gift that keeps on giving, and the one thing, once earned, that no one can ever take away.  Complete the concrete steps you need to move on with your goals, and never stop learning.  There is always something new to learn.

3. Ask for help when you need it.  The only people that will think less of you for asking are the people that already thought less of you to begin with.  Those are people you need to avoid if at all possible.  Conversely...

4.   If you can do it yourself, do it!  Self-reliance is not a dirty word.  The trick is in knowing when to do it yourself, and when to ask for help.

5. Surround yourself with people who love you and value you for who you are, not what you are, or what you can do for them.  As you work towards personal and professional successes, many more people will enter your life.    It is my hope that you will develop Discernment to know which relationships to nurture, and which people to allow to walk away.

6. Change is inevitable.  Never fear change.  Stay flexible, especially on the job.  This will come in handy more often than you realize.

7.  Feeling fear is normal.  Wallowing in it, or allowing it to dictate your choices in life is limiting.  Tempting as it is to not do things based on fear of the unknown, taking calculated risks (where you measure the possible outcomes against the size of the risk you are taking), might actually be some of the best decisions you ever make.

8. Knowledge is easy to obtain; Wisdom is not.  You will gain both as you get older: Knowledge through study, application and practice; Wisdom through a painful teacher called Experience.  The only people that don't gain Wisdom are people that don't want to.  On that same note...

9.  Proper money management is critical.  I didn't learn about what credit really meant until after I turned 30, and I have paid dearly for that lack of knowledge.  It is crucial that you realize there are a lot of little ways to stumble, and seriously damage your financial future. Nothing to fear, but a few things to know in order to have secure finances.

10. Failure is not the end.  Look at setbacks as the opportunity to reassess your goals and methods.  Then you can either try again from another angle, or go on to your next goal.  The point is always to keep moving forward, even if only an inch at a time.

11. Working hard and working smart are two different things.  Both are required to have a happy and successful life, and you will learn when to do each.

12. There are worse things than being alone.  This goes for friendships and relationships.  This also goes along with #5 above.  Red flags are exactly that:  an internal warning that something is not right, and from there you can make the choice to either explore it further, or leave it be.  But to be in negative relationship with people that either don't really like you, or are envious of you, or are unnecessarily and overtly competitive with you is emotionally draining.  In these cases, it is better to be alone than to wish you were.

13.  Kindness and decency are the meat and potatoes.  Intelligence is gravy.  Pretty is the dessert.  If she respects herself, and treats you and everyone else around her with respect, courtesy and kindness, she's a keeper.  If she is smart about the things that count (her strengths hopefully complement your weaknesses, and vice versa), that is an incredible bonus.  If she's also pretty, you hit the jackpot!

14.  Do pay attention to the world around you.  There is always a lot going on in the world.  Know enough about the world outside of your bubble of friends and interests to be able to speak intelligently about at least a few other subjects.  Notice when people are hurting or in need, and learn to be there for them.  Also notice when people want to be left alone, and respect their wishes.  The practice of empathy with the condition and circumstances of others will lead you to a better understanding of the world you live in.

15. Take care of yourself, too.  You already know that eating right (all things in moderation) and exercise are important for physical and mental health.  Take little time outs for your emotional health as well.  Spend a little time alone.  Unplug.  Listen to soothing music.  Read a good book.  I guarantee you will find yourself refreshed by the downtime.

Above all, know that I love you, and am truly looking forward to seeing the man you are becoming.

When I was younger, I was a huge reader.

As I got older and more "busy", I ended up reading less and less.  But every once in a while a novel would capture my interest, especially if I heard or read that a movie was being made from it.  I would always rush to try and read the novel before the movie was released. Or conversely, I would watch a movie, then when I found out it was based on a book, I would find and read the book to compare it to the movie.  And without exception, I have found that the book was always better than the movie.

To me, books give you more insight into characters lives and motivations.  You get a much richer background, and get to create your own visions of who and what the characters are.  You can open a book, and let your imagination take you wherever it may.  I remember lolling away many hours, lost in another time and place, completely shutting out the world around me.  It was comforting to be able to get away from my drab, day to day reality, and escape into someone else's life. 

I am always initially excited about a books translation into a movie or TV show.  I am interested to see how the various cast and crew translate the written words into concrete visions, both for those who have read the books, and for those who are viewing the program for the first time, and likely have no knowledge of the book.  As much as I love a good literary experience, I also enjoy a well crafted movie or TV show.  A well written movie draws you in, and keeps your attention until the very end.  A well written TV program keeps you coming back week after week, never boring you, and always telling you something new about the characters.  Theoretically at least, if you have good source material, you will likely have a good end product.

Or not.

I understand the television and movies are limited mediums.  You only get 45-60 minutes  for television, and a minimum of an hour and a half for movies to tell your story.  There is often so much ground to cover, that there is no hope of cramming all of the information, characters and motivations in the book into such a small times frame.  So the movie and television industries do the best they can, and hopefully, the fans of the book (or books) are satisfied.  My experience has been about 50/50.  Half of the adopted books have been wonderful, faithful adaptions that enhanced my view of the printed material.  The other half left me wondering if we had we read the same book.  But I do applaud the time screenwriters take to read an entire book, often more than once, and try to adapt it as faithfully as possible to the screen so that those who are not avid readers might get to enjoy a story they might not otherwise have known about.  Who knows?  The movie might actually get them to the book.

I am trying this approach with my daughter.  When my son was younger, he and I used to love the British cartoon series Redwall that played on PBS on Sunday mornings.  I found out later that it originated from a book by Brian Jacques.  I always told myself that at some point I was going to get the book for my son.  While my son did eventually get into reading lots of fantasy and science fiction, Redwall slipped off both of our radars for quite some time.  Fast forward to about a month ago when I was perusing a used book store that popped up not too far from us.  Sitting right next to each other on a shelf were the first six books in the Southern Vampire Mysteries (upon which the True Blood TV series is based) and Redwall.  I scooped them up immediately, and while my son was definitely interested in the vampire books, he figured my daughter might be more into Redwall.  When she came home from camp, I introduced her to Redwall, reading the first chapter with her.  She seemed to be okay with it (the chapters are pretty short), but what really piqued her interest was my son finding Redwall on Netflix, and allowing her to watch the first few episodes.  Now she is more interested in finishing the book.

Not a perfect way to get your child into reading for pleasure, but it's a start.