Do you know the difference between nerds, geeks and dorks?  Being a nerd goes beyond simple intelligence; it is the possession of a great fountain of occasionally useless knowledge about a wide range of topics without the filter needed to know exactly when to share what.  Geeks are usually enthused about one or two specific subjects, about which they can talk to you, non-stop, no matter what other topic is being discussed.  Dorks are usually intelligent, but missing certain key elements of information, will argue loudly, and wrongly, for whatever the point is that they are trying to make.   Rolled eyes and requests to "Shut up about it already!" be damned.  The common element that draws them all together is a lack of social skills beyond what is minimally needed to function in society.  The pursuit of information for information's sake is the highest priority; interacting with people is an inconvenience that must be dealt with only when absolutely necessary.  This over abundance of information, the ability to not just apply it correctly (most of the time, anyway) but translate that into phenomenal test scores, often at the expense of developing social intelligence can get people labeled a lot of things.  For the sake of this post, I'll just focus on the name I am most familiar with: the Nerd.

I know of whence I speak.

I am currently on my fourth decade as a nerd, having learned to read at four years old.  I can geek out about certain subjects, as can most nerds, but I don't enjoy debate, and can read at least some social cues, so I narrowly escape the dork.  When I get interested in a subject, any subject, I can be a somewhat obsessive researcher, just so I can feel confident enough to discuss the subject with anybody that asks about the subject once I bring it up.  I have been known to read a book, then if that book references another book or two, I might just read both of those as well.  And I can retain most of what I read.  Of course that means I have been known to accidentally lapse into TMI  (Too Much Information), giving people more information that they asked for or needed.  When I finally started noticing eyes glazing over (or looking around for a way out of the monologue),  the development of a shy smile and a little self deprecating humor to ease the tension from those accidental over share moments helped a great deal.

Social anxiety comes early for the Nerd.  Good grades and high test scores often come at the cost of time spent playing with other kids.  Parents that are not careful to make sure that kids have downtime and outside activities run the risk of building the perfect academic beast that has no one to play with at recess.  Then again, if a kid is both socially awkward and has no hand eye coordination, recess might turn out to be overrated.  I can remember many a day of getting picked last for every recess activity because everybody knew as well as I did that anything involving me and a ball was going to end in complete and utter disaster.  I was always the guaranteed "out" for the other team.  In Jr. High School (middle school, nowadays)  I was the kid that got a C because I at least dressed for PE.  Other than running laps, which I could do without tripping over my own feet, most of the time, any athletic  ability passed me at a clearance of 35,000 feet, which is roughly the altitude of most commercial aircraft, but I digress...

There is no one particular look to the Nerd.  They come in a wide variety of shapes, colors, sizes and hair lengths.  In fact, most clean up real nice when they want to or have to.  Key words: "WANT to or HAVE to".  The vast majority of the time, the Nerd couldn't care less what they look like to you.  They would rather be working on their latest project, testing a new theory or figuring out a tricky line of code.  If they're comfortable, they are generally more productive, and productivity means EVERYTHING to the Nerd.  Being made to look a certain way is a card best played sparingly, and only if absolutely necessary.  Some are actually quite attractive.  If they feel like making the effort.

The Nerd is the original non-conformist.  Conforming to what the cool kids did was always a lost cause, so why continue trying to play the game?  The Nerd was the first person to embrace the mantra Just Be Yourself, because imitating someone else was a fast road to disaster.  Many a Nerd can quote you chapter and verse about how they tried to  fit in at some point in their lives.  This was generally inspired by wanting to hang out with some group (Lest you think otherwise: Yes, Virginia.  There ARE adult cliques!) of people that were thought to be at or near the top of the social strata.  The Nerd would then change anything about themselves that was deemed unacceptable by the group: Hair, clothes, manner of speaking, conversation topics.  Whatever they felt they needed to do.  After a while, one of two things would happen which would prove the old movie cliche to be entirely true:  the group would find some way to push the Nerd out anyway, or the Nerd would figure out that not being genuinely themselves was not worth the hassle of keeping up an appearance acceptable to someone else full time.

Despite all this, the Nerd manages to reproduce.

I myself have given birth to two Nerds.  My son wasn't your regular academic go getter. Far from it.  But he did develop quite an affection for Manga and anime, which he follows on every medium available to him, and can give you more back story on any anime character than you ever asked for.  Although with his naturally argumentative nature, he can occasionally slip into Dork territory, his saving grace is a sense of humor that allows him to escape whatever verbal hole he digs himself into.  He will look into any subject he is actually interested in, enough to give himself some working knowledge of the topic so he can talk about it without sounding stupid.

My daughter came to Nerdom through school, the same way I and most of my fellow Nerds did.  A powerful combination of grades and test scores marked her entrance into the realm of the Nerd, and her recent passing of the Cognitive Abilities Test, or CogAT, which certified her placement into the Gifted and Talented program, solidified her place in the hallowed halls of the Nerdsphere.  I am getting her into the habit of looking up anything she has a question about, and trying to introduce the concept of reading for pleasure.  She loves math, and is almost insanely good at rapidly absorbing Math concepts, something I always had a hard time with.

In this generation, the Common Nerd is clearly evolving.  No longer content to be a shadow on the wall of popular culture unless he or she conforms to it, The Nerd is taking ownership of his or her own particular quirks, and letting the world know that they are in fact, good enough to play on the playground with the cool kids.  As is.  Witness the popularity of TV shows like the Big Bang Theory and game shows like Jeopardy, that not only entertain you, they challenge you to think a little.  The Nerd now exists outside of the classroom and the lab.  There are Nerd athletes, models, actors, artists and any other profession you can name.    My son is both a budding chef and a developing stand-up comic.  My daughter has a talent for dance and an interest in cheerleading.

And both children are conventionally good looking.  If and when they feel like putting in the effort.  Which I don't force them to do, unless there is a valid reason.  I know the rules.

It happened in the middle of a very long day, a little over 20 years ago.

I was 19, all ideals and bluster and lofty opinion.  She was also 19, with an infant son, living at home, attending school and looking for work.  We had spent the better part of the day on the job search, and had observed some other girls with their children while we were out applying for jobs at a nearby mall.  They were hard not to notice, as they weren't wearing much, their children seemed oddly overdressed, and their conversations could be heard from 20 feet away.  We said little at the time, just observed them quickly and looked away, so as not to be noticed, noticing them.  Back at her house later that afternoon, the discussion turned to the girls at the mall, and others like them.

I remember launching into a tirade about how I wouldn't have allowed myself to be caught having a child with a man who wasn't going to be around, and how I would never stoop to being on welfare, and how I would conduct myself in public if my child were acting out, and all of the kinds of things you say when you are 19, have no children and in all honesty, really do think you know everything.

I remember her sitting quietly through my ranting, then fixing me with a steady look.  


"Well that's good for you, but everybody ain't you."

I stopped talking (rare for me), and had to think about that.  What made me think that I knew so much that what was good for me had to be good for everybody?  Did I really have all the answers, or was I trying to separate myself from a situation I could have easily been in?  Or was there something deeper at play?

I am now 23 years and two children removed from that warm Fall day.  Over the years, I have had to remind myself of that statement from time to time, as I found myself getting all judgy about some person or situation.  I was reminded of this most recently when a controversy erupted over a Facebook photo posted by a mother of three who is also a fitness trainer.  It is a photo of the woman with her three children, all one year apart, in a revealing workout outfit, with a caption above her hear which reads "What's your excuse?"   According to the woman in the photo, it was meant to be motivational.  The picture didn't bother me, but the caption stood out, as it was obviously meant to.  At the time, I couldn't figure out what bothered me so much about the statement.  A week or so later, it finally occurred to me.

"Everybody ain't you."

There is nothing positive or motivational about suggesting that someone is making excuses.  It is an accusatory phrase that we use with children when chores or homework isn't done, or they have gotten into trouble they can't possibly explain.  We probably shouldn't even use it then.  But looking at the comments section of many news stories about the post, some people see it as motivating people either to prove her wrong, or to do whatever they need to do to look like her.  Then again, the comments section of newspaper articles can be a sycophantic minefield of their own, especially when issues specific to women and body image are covered, but I digress...

As a society, we have developed a deep need to seek fault in others.  If we can find a reason to look down on someone else, then maybe our faults aren't so bad.  I mean you might be a pathological liar, cheater, terrible with money, etc, but at least you are not "______". (fill in the blank) Then, if we can hide our snarky criticism underneath a cloud of "concern" for the other person, we can even manage to make ourselves feel slightly better about the fact that we have just passed unfair judgement on someone.  Telling someone something "for their own good", usually never is, and is only stated to make the teller feel better about themselves for having said it.  And thanks to the anonymity of the internet, being nasty and judgmental is easier, and more readily spread across a wider spectrum of forums.

What would our world be like if we shifted our focus from ourselves to others?  If instead of holding ourselves up as examples of what others should aspire to, we actually bothered to speak with (and actually LISTEN to!)  them to understand and address their challenges.  If rather than expecting people to get to where we are, and quickly, we would meet them where they are, then bring them up to where they would like to be, at THEIR pace, not ours.  If we could move, as Robert Fulghum once stated from "Look at ME" to "I am seeing YOU".


What if instead of judging people using ourselves as a yardstick, we actually bothered to give them the benefit of the doubt that there might be more to their story than we know?  What if we actually thought of people as people, not examples of what could possibly be wrong about ourselves?  What if we saw people as individuals, rather than manifestations of our own insecurities?  Would we be less judgmental then?

What if.....

What if.....

On October 8, 1992, at 8:04am, I gave birth to an 8lb., 4oz. baby boy.  Other than immediately wondering if 8 was going to be your lucky number, I had no thought other than "How on Earth am I supposed to raise this tiny little person into an adult?"  Twenty-one years, and many bumps, bruises and odd side trips later, I think I have finally come up with a hard list of things that I think are important as you move forward into the next part of your life.

1. Keep some form of spiritual grounding in your life.  I started this process by bringing you to church, and whether or not you continue, I hope you remain spiritually centered.  A foundation of faith, not religion, can bring a type of inner peace and strength that nothing can replace. Cultivate this.

2. Education is the gift that keeps on giving, and the one thing, once earned, that no one can ever take away.  Complete the concrete steps you need to move on with your goals, and never stop learning.  There is always something new to learn.

3. Ask for help when you need it.  The only people that will think less of you for asking are the people that already thought less of you to begin with.  Those are people you need to avoid if at all possible.  Conversely...

4.   If you can do it yourself, do it!  Self-reliance is not a dirty word.  The trick is in knowing when to do it yourself, and when to ask for help.

5. Surround yourself with people who love you and value you for who you are, not what you are, or what you can do for them.  As you work towards personal and professional successes, many more people will enter your life.    It is my hope that you will develop Discernment to know which relationships to nurture, and which people to allow to walk away.

6. Change is inevitable.  Never fear change.  Stay flexible, especially on the job.  This will come in handy more often than you realize.

7.  Feeling fear is normal.  Wallowing in it, or allowing it to dictate your choices in life is limiting.  Tempting as it is to not do things based on fear of the unknown, taking calculated risks (where you measure the possible outcomes against the size of the risk you are taking), might actually be some of the best decisions you ever make.

8. Knowledge is easy to obtain; Wisdom is not.  You will gain both as you get older: Knowledge through study, application and practice; Wisdom through a painful teacher called Experience.  The only people that don't gain Wisdom are people that don't want to.  On that same note...

9.  Proper money management is critical.  I didn't learn about what credit really meant until after I turned 30, and I have paid dearly for that lack of knowledge.  It is crucial that you realize there are a lot of little ways to stumble, and seriously damage your financial future. Nothing to fear, but a few things to know in order to have secure finances.

10. Failure is not the end.  Look at setbacks as the opportunity to reassess your goals and methods.  Then you can either try again from another angle, or go on to your next goal.  The point is always to keep moving forward, even if only an inch at a time.

11. Working hard and working smart are two different things.  Both are required to have a happy and successful life, and you will learn when to do each.

12. There are worse things than being alone.  This goes for friendships and relationships.  This also goes along with #5 above.  Red flags are exactly that:  an internal warning that something is not right, and from there you can make the choice to either explore it further, or leave it be.  But to be in negative relationship with people that either don't really like you, or are envious of you, or are unnecessarily and overtly competitive with you is emotionally draining.  In these cases, it is better to be alone than to wish you were.

13.  Kindness and decency are the meat and potatoes.  Intelligence is gravy.  Pretty is the dessert.  If she respects herself, and treats you and everyone else around her with respect, courtesy and kindness, she's a keeper.  If she is smart about the things that count (her strengths hopefully complement your weaknesses, and vice versa), that is an incredible bonus.  If she's also pretty, you hit the jackpot!

14.  Do pay attention to the world around you.  There is always a lot going on in the world.  Know enough about the world outside of your bubble of friends and interests to be able to speak intelligently about at least a few other subjects.  Notice when people are hurting or in need, and learn to be there for them.  Also notice when people want to be left alone, and respect their wishes.  The practice of empathy with the condition and circumstances of others will lead you to a better understanding of the world you live in.

15. Take care of yourself, too.  You already know that eating right (all things in moderation) and exercise are important for physical and mental health.  Take little time outs for your emotional health as well.  Spend a little time alone.  Unplug.  Listen to soothing music.  Read a good book.  I guarantee you will find yourself refreshed by the downtime.

Above all, know that I love you, and am truly looking forward to seeing the man you are becoming.

I am one of those people that posts pictures of things that I am either cooking or eating on Facebook.  Yes.  I am THAT person.

This modern way of sharing a meal replaces the old  fashioned get together.  Although this type of sharing is a necessity of modern life due to our chronic over-scheduling and far flung friends and relatives, it's also useful for hiding our mistakes.  You see the delicious end result, not the destroyed kitchen it took to create the dish, or the five times I got the recipe wrong before I finally hit on the magic combination that made it edible.

I am not someone considered a "natural" in the kitchen.  That title is held by my older sister, Mignon.  No matter what she decides to cook, the food looks magazine perfect, is delicious, and is prepared correctly the first time.  Always.  Culinary perfection in a way most of us stumbling around the kitchen trying not to burn the pot of water we left on to boil would aspire to, if only we could remember why we put the pot of water on to boil in the first place.  I have had open pouting fits because she made one of her heavenly (and HEAVY) cream cheese pound cakes, and either due to timing or the cake being for someone else, I couldn't get a piece.  She is the only person that can cook liver that I will actually eat, and one Christmas served up a re-imagined banana pudding that has the entire family begging her for it at every holiday.

I am not a terrible cook, but I know my limits.  So long as I keep it simple, the kids don't end up eating sandwiches or cereal for dinner due to my attempts at creativity.  My disasters are numerous and legendary.  Just ask the kids.  Take the steak I killed the other night.  Yes.  I know it was dead when I bought it at a huge markdown from the store, but I delivered the cheap cut of meat (it was hugely marked down for a reason) to a second death by way of what was supposed to be a short stint in the oven that wasn't quite short enough.  When I pulled the steaks from the oven, I'm not sure what alarmed me first: the strange smell, or the way the steaks had curled up in the middle of the pan, as if recoiling form the marinade I had put in the pan to keep them moist.  The steak knife met with a great deal of resistance as the meat absolutely refused to be separated from each other, and the first taste reminded me that I needed to clean my daughter's sneakers for school the next day.  The kids tried the steak, and managed to set a record for spitting it out without ever chewing it.

Mercifully, it's not always that bad:

The saving grace for me has been cooking shows.  I am a visual learner, and watching people do things while they explain what they are doing goes a long way in making sure I actually understand the process, as well as giving me an idea of what each step is supposed to look like.  I can't tell you how many times I have followed a recipe only to end up with food that looks more like it came from the Cartoon Network than the Food Network or the Cooking Channel.  Before America's Test Kitchen on PBS taught me how to make a bechamel sauce, add cheese, whatever pasta I wanted to use, then bake the whole thing in the oven, I was still making boxed macaroni and cheese, my daughter's favorite food.  I have now attained bad-ass status in my daughter's eyes because I don't have to use the boxed anymore, I can cook what she likes from scratch.  If the ability to make my kids favorite dinners, or heck, even make something they will eat without complaint or mysterious frowns, gets me hero status, I'll take it.

My son, Damani, is turning into quite the cook himself.  He's also a visual learner, and by watching me, figured out what not to do in the kitchen, as well as how to make sure at least some things go right.  He took a summer course from a chef at our church, and performed work study in a Marriott hotel kitchen.  He has the added benefit of YouTube for learning to cook new dishes, and a knack for adapting recipes if he doesn't have every ingredient he needs.  He also has a unique gift of being able to taste a dish and not only guess the ingredients, but how to prepare it.  I found out about this trick with a breakfast casserole I had purchased from a convenience store.  He took one bite, told me what was in it, and after I bought the food needed to re-create the dish, he made a better version of the casserole, and it is now a staple on weekend days when we are going to be particularly busy.

Just so you know, I do not cook on Mother's Day.  I buy the groceries needed for my special dinner, then tell the kids what I want.  This past Mother's Day, I found steak on sale (not a cheap cut, just on sale), fresh broccoli, and potatoes.  I didn't have to give my son much direction, my daughter happily helped out, and the dinner above was the result.  It was every bit as delicious as it looks.  To say that I am only an average cook, my son is turning out to be quite the superior cook.  To the point where he and I can switch off cooking duties during the week, and I never have to worry that the food will be inedible.  I love it.  And I'm so glad he didn't learn it all from me.  Then I'd be worried.