I've mentioned somewhere before that I sing with a few choirs.  Make no mistake, though: I am no one's idea of a soloist.  (In fact, I sing so low that you might not be able to hear me!)  I blend extremely well, however, and this suits me just fine.  No pressure to do anything other than fill in the background, and plenty of opportunity to observe the audience reaction to the song.

Judging from the amount of praise we get after our performances, I think we do okay, even as our numbers dwindle, and we don't get around as much as we used to.  Often I hear people wondering aloud how we can stand up and perform like we do.  They wonder if our lives lend themselves to performing without a care in the world, or at least that's how we appear to them, anyway.  Speaking as an introvert with almost crippling stage fright, and way too many personal things going on to count, I'd like to offer at least a partial answer to that question.

In late 2001, gospel artist Kirk Franklin released a song called "Why We Sing".  It took it's chorus from an old hymn, "His Eye Is on the Sparrow", which talks about not being worried about how you are going to manage the things outside of your control currently going on in your life.  In the singing of this refrain, you discover the reason so many of us sing, even in the midst of the chaos going on around us:

"I sing because I'm happy,"

Right now, I have every right to be in the middle of a nervous breakdown.  One child completely unmotivated and making no progress, another having fairly serious socio-emotional issues, stagnant job mobility or opportunities, serious financial issues that might soon see me tossed out of my apartment despite starting a second job, and unless I am willing to pay a professional, damn near no one to talk to.  And I know for a fact that I am not the only one going through serious difficulties right now.  Yet, I can still say that I am happy.  Regular prayer gives me just  the release valve I need, right when I need it most.  Not prayer in the sense of asking that my issues be resolved for me, so much as venting, and grasping to understand at least some of it.  I have rarely not come away with the understanding that nothing is forever, not even issues.  One child will eventually find a direction, the other will grow out her issues, and even if the financial issues don't get worked out in enough time to save this place (bad decisions made out of desperation do come back to haunt you), this won't be the first time I've had to move during bad circumstances.  I am not the only person to have ever gone through these things, and people do understand.  I am not alone, although it might look that way from the outside.  My happiness is not based on a lack of want, so much as it is based on the knowledge that everything ends, good, bad or otherwise.  Which leads to:

"I sing because I'm free,"

We have an interesting concept of freedom here in the US.  We celebrate our own freedom while sometimes actively denying it to anyone who holds a different viewpoint from our own.  This is not true freedom in that you are creating a hate that will make it hard for the next person to exercise their freedom.  I speak here of the Christians that mistreat anyone they feel is beneath them, either because they are not a Christian at all, or they feel that that person is not Christian enough.  If your practice of Christianity involves condescension, or belittling someone else's beliefs or lack there of, here's a hint:  Christianity - You're doing it WRONG!  Christianity is not an ego driven quest to make everybody just like you, and our Constitutional right to freedom of religious practice extends to EVERYONE, including those who practice no religion whatsoever, as well as my progressive, feminist take on Christianity.  So long as no one is actively being hurt by any particular practice (or if they are being hurt, it is dealt with properly), our freedom to believe as we will is protected.  Freedom to worship when, where and however you choose is not a freedom  extended all over the world, and we deny it to one another at our peril, lest we lose the one thing we are denying to someone else.

"His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me"

This is a concept I know people have the most issues with and questions about.  The idea of an all knowing and all seeing Father in the sky.  I've always viewed this aspect in a metaphorical sense.  The world places a great deal of emphasis on the individual, and in the US especially, personal responsibility is both a buzzword, and an expletive, depending on the context it is used in.   This is the reason most people have a hard time dealing with anything outside of their control.  So when people need to reach out for understanding, especially when things go wrong, and occasionally when things mysteriously go right even when they had every reason to go catastrophically wrong, the idea behind Faith, the feeling that someone out there cares about you, can empathize with your struggles, and in some way will always be there for you, is a necessity that keeps some people together in the middle of situations that would crack someone else.  For some, this might be their only method of finding some sort of peace that the outside world is trying to deny them.  The plight of African American churches and congregations in the South, both during slavery and the civil rights movement comes to mind.  Why disturb them if for no other reason than people that were meant to be cowed into silence and cooperation with their own oppression were finding peace, comfort, and often the strength to continue fighting within them?

While I am specifically telling my own story above, I know at least some small portion of it will apply to everyone that sings in every choir across the nation, maybe even across the world.  We are far from perfect, and we find the strength to sing through all of our worst trials, because we know that in some church, somewhere, someone is waiting for something positive, some shred of encouragement, something that will help them keep on going through the next day, and we might, maybe, deliver that.  If we can help someone, even if it just momentarily brightens their day, we've done something right.  I've said that I'm no soloist, but I do have a few favorites that I can listen to repeatedly as there are just notes that they sing that really appeal to me: Brenda, Sharon, Inez (these are all Sopranos, BTW.  I sing soprano, so perhaps there is a bit of bias there!  :)  ) Tomi and Willa.  The songs we learn, I often find myself singing to myself for days on end, and often refer to them at times when I need peace or comfort, and sometimes, for celebration.

And that's the reason why I sing.

There is nothing worse than a song that gets stuck in your head for days.  Especially if it's one of my tween daughter's sugary pop, Disney or Nickelodeon stars songs.  Then I have to find another earworm to try and cleanse my brain of the drivel that she loves so much.


I make no secret of the fact that I do not particularly enjoy my kids' tastes in music.  The fact that they play the songs TO DEATH is a guarantee that I will find myself humming the song at some random point, if only because I can't get away from it unless I barricade myself in my room with earplugs.  Having grown up listening to everything from the experimental jazz of the 60's, to the disco and hard funk of the 70's to my discovery of all things rock and roll, past and present in the 80's, generally I try to be pretty open about what I listen to.  But I can honestly say that I hate some of the sweet electropop my daughter loves more than I hate that whiny cartoon, Caillou, and that's saying a lot.

I kid, I kid.  Sort of.

Earworms are like that, though.  If it's a song you like, but maybe forgot about, having the song pop up suddenly can be a great memory of a time in your life that was free of the burdens and worries that you have now.  I love it when songs are tied to a movie I haven't seen in a long time, as it gives me a reason to go back and re-watch movies from my childhood and teen years.  It's interesting, however, when you are going through a extremely difficult or trying time in your life, and a song will suddenly pop into your head whose lyrics directly correspond to whatever it is that you are experiencing.  I've always figured that this was the universe's way of making sure you don't feel like you are going through this all alone; somebody out there gets it because they've been through it too.

I've has songs creep back into my memory that reminded of entire genres of music that I had forgotten about.  One morning I woke up with the song "Beautiful Disaster" by the group 311 playing in my head:

Up until that moment, I hadn't thought about the 90's alternative music that I used to love, much at all.  Once I looked it up on YouTube, it led me back to a lot of great artists and music that I used to love from LA radio station KROQ, until I stopped listening in the mid 90's.

These artists reminded me that I had always preferred my music with a little "bite" to it, and lyrics that actually talked about what was going on in the world, especially subjects people might overlook or take for granted.  I had always leaned more toward LA post-punk bands like X, or English punkers The Clash, more than mainstream pop.  Of course I was not totally immune to the charms of certain bands, remembering what slid under my radar and took up residence in my subconscious a couple of weeks ago:

If music really is the soundtrack of your life, per Dick Clark, the earworms I find most pleasant are the ones that develop after I've had to learn a song for one of the gospel choirs I sing with.  Don't get any big ideas; I am NOT a soloist, so much as I make a very joyful BACKGROUND noise.  These are the songs that tend to pop up in my head and stay for awhile when I'm down, or just not feeling areas of my life working out.  Songs with lyrics that are uplifting and let you know that you are definitely not all alone in your struggles.  Of course not all inspirational songs are gospel:

Sometimes a gospel-tinged vocal, mixed with a soaring jazz saxophone is all your memory needs to pull a certain song from your mental archives when needed.  

As varied as my musical background is, I find it interesting what kind of notes, lyrics, and occasionally entire albums spring into my head on a daily basis.  It rarely, if ever gets boring, and it's nice to know that the catalog in my head can pull up a song to match almost any occasion.  It makes for an interesting Facebook feed when I get post happy some nights.

And I don't hate EVERYTHING my kids listen to.  But don't tell them that.  Then I'll never get to listen to what I want while I clean the house.  And maybe plant a few earworms of my own.

Just a quiet Monday of what is going to turn into a busy week.

Contemplating the old hymn "It Is Well with My Soul.

It was written in the late 1800's by a man who lost everything: money, property, his children.  And yet he kept going. Despite tragedy, and most likely in the face of naysayers.  Because you know whenever bad things happen to good people, there is always someone around to point out how they would have done it differently, and not had such a terrible outcome.  They do not hesitate to make themselves known loudly, and often in the most condescending tone of voice possible.

Yet, he wrote:
"When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to know,
It is well, it is well, with my soul."

This isn't passive acceptance.  Far from it.  It is finding a deep place of inner peace in the middle of terrible circumstances.  From that place of peace, he was then able to deal with whatever was going on around him from a calm, spiritually focused place.  Death, disease, wrath, anger.  Whatever the world threw at him, he could withstand it because he had developed the internal spiritual and emotional tools to handle it.

Is it well with your soul?

What trials or circumstances are you facing today?   Are you holding on to hurt, anger, pride (one of my biggest faults, BTW), envy, past regrets?   Been lied to, or about, or otherwise slandered?  Or perhaps you are just in a season of things not going particularly badly, but not exactly good either.

What do you need to achieve that peace?  Sometimes, as Christians, I think we miss a grand opportunity during our weekly Sharing of the Peace.  We get so caught up in the pageant, we miss the purpose.  Somewhere, inside that Sanctuary (for some, that is the only safe space they see all week), someone is desperately in need of that peace.  We are to share whatever peace we have with each other, usually via a handshake or a hug.  Sometimes we see the need, and acknowledge it.  A lot of times, we don't, if only because it is covered up with a coat of "I don't want anybody to know anything is wrong.".

Lest you think this is specific to Christians, anybody can achieve this inner peace.  First, there has to be is a willingness to admit that there are some things you may never understand, especially as tragedy and difficulties go. Second, know that you absolutely cannot control every circumstance and every person around you, nor should you try.  Last, know that once you have put forth your very best effort, sometimes there really is nothing left to do but wait.  All of these things were hard for me to do, but I needed to work on them in order to be a better daughter, sister, mother and friend.  Let me tell it, I still have a long way to go, but like anyplace in life worth going, the destination is often far less interesting than the journey.

Wherever you are in your journey today, I hope it is well with your soul.  May peace be with you, today and always.